Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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