were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
