So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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