my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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