as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
