he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
