Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
