well I can't set my house on fire every night
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I smell like Dick and happiness
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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