clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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