My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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