another moral hangover. fuck.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
