dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
