If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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