Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
