I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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