a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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