I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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