If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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