Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
