Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
