Dude my mom stole all your condoms
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
