you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
