I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize