i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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