he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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