Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
