It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
