I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize