i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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