No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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