He is like the real live version of the state fair..
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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