I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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