You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
