So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
