I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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