I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
