I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
