Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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