so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i drank out of a bidet.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
