she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
