if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
