note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
