i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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