I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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