He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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