Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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