Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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