I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
In America we eat man semen.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
