the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
