9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
