i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
