I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize