Yo dont text me then not text me
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The beer is more important than you right now.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Randomize
