My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
