You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
