so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
